People will judge you

And while I know it shouldn't matter what people think, it still makes me cry sometimes. First of all, as I said in my last post, my left eye is sewn shut for now. I am already so self-concious over this. Really, very much so. Add it to the fact that I move with the combined grace of a toddler and old lady... People will stop and stare. Someone has walked past the end of a grocery isle and backed up to stare at me before. I took my son to the zoo with my husband. I was sitting while they were playing and I saw someone tap her friend and point to me. Whispers and accusing stares then happened. My favorite was when a little girl (maybe 4) pointed and asked me what happened. I do not mind the innocent curiosity of children. It was when her mom grabbed her hand and pulled her away saying that "That woman has made some poor life choices." I was so floored and she got away before I could correct her.

Also, as you can well imagine, having a 10 hour brain surgery with follow-ups to specialists and weekly therapy visits will rack up some very lovely bills. Medicaid covered my surgery and one month hospital stay. That was about $500,000 I did not have to worry about. Then my insurance started covering stuff. They would have nothing to do with the surgery which is how I ended up with Medicaid. While I am happy my insurance is finally doing what I pay them to do, I am learning about the fun world of out of pocket maximums and what-not. Now, I willnot say exactly how much we owe. I feel that is very inapropriate. I will say that it's not that bad. I mean, it won't be paid off in the next few months short of a miracle...but within the next year is a definate possibility.

So my husband and I have very stressful lives as you can imagine. We went on a date for the first time in 5 months Tuesday night. We needed it. Our marriage needed it. We have been given some money for Christmas. We are ever so grateful. While we have spent some responsibly, we have spent some for ourselves. I also cloth diaper our son. His skin demands it and it is more economical. I have very basic flat diapers. I wanted to invest in a few that would be easier to wrangle onto a distracted, active toddler. I got a few.

I see nothing wrong with this. If you do, you try going months with every penny you earn going towards the basic necessities and bills. It will break you at some point.

So people judge me in many ways. Moms don't talk to me at playgrounds or anywhere for that matter. While I try not to let it bother me too much, I do hurt sometimes. Because I am still a person. Because my son gets deprived of playmates.