Here we go again...

So I have been very forgetful of late. Like ridiculously so. I forget things than happened two minutes ago. Plus I have been feeling confused easily. My head is always in a fog and I am having a hard time following things. I see a doctor on the 6th, but he's my ENT. He is an AN specialist but I'm probably going to get sent to my neurologist over this. I saw him at the beginning of December for my MRI. I wasn't supposed to see him again until June. Six months. I've never gone more than three, so this was progress. Nothing personal, but the less I see the guy the better. Not having to see him is a good thing. Plus it's weird talking to the guy who dug around in my head. Not like he gave me a boob job...but how many people have seen my brain? Yeah... I so don't need this right now.

I have all the same issues other mommies do plus some

People act like I don't have the same problems other mommies do. How do they figure? My toddler is no less a toddler just because my life did a good loopy loop on me. Promise.

I co-slept. I am also battling getting him into his own room. I don;t like letting him cry it out. But I know he's going to cry/fuss a little. I know the difference between a frantic cry and an I'm tired and frustrated cry. My husband doesn't. So my husband will be putting him down and a few minutes later I hear the frantic cry of desperation. I go running and my husband claims he thought we decided it was okay to let him cry for a few minutes because it seems to be the only way he'll go to sleep. I have explained the cries to him, he just doesn't hear the difference. I chalk it up to a mom thing. My husband is a wonderful father and tries very hard.

Diet. OH, the diet struggle. My husband and I were not brought up with good eating habits. I understand what you eat affects you mental, emotional and physical health so I am in constant battle to find things that will properly nourish my son. I have an added problem here. I can't be on my feet for long periods. My feet hurt, legs hurt, back hurts and I start to feel physically sick. I have tried to push myself a couple of times and almost pushed myself right back into the hospital. So I make sure to listen to my body now. I have about 5-ish minutes. I do make nicer meals for dinner sometimes, but they are things where I can sit down every once in a while.

A great quick and easy lunch is a ham sandwhich - I cut in fours and he gets 2 squares. I save the other half in a baggies in the fridge. He's coming out of another growth spurt and eating less so it might go down to one square. Now, we do shop on a budget. I'll post how as soon as I get it down to a science, myself. But we are still experimenting. I still look at nutritional value. We get whole wheat bread. I'm a fan of honey wheat myself.

Back to lunch. I also cut a quarter of an apple. I don't do chunks as I see that as asking for a choking situation. I do strips. Like fries. He can't shove a whole strip in his mouth at once. He has to take bites. Then, the strips are thin (like fries) so if he does decide to bite of a hunk, it is harder to get lodged.

I also add a few teddy grahams. They are a good source of calcium and stuff and he likes them. Plus, he is lactose intolerant. Kid hates soy. I don't blame him. So do I. So we get the off brand of Lactaid. It's milk without lactose. Same benefits of whole milk. The whole milk version is dang close to milk. The low fat tastes like butt. Just sayin'.

Cleaning. Can we say pain in the rear? Let me remind you of my 5 minute limit. So it takes me like...an hour to do a load of dishes. I do a little every day. I do at least one load of dishes a day. I also pick up his toys probably twice a day.

Now, picking up the toys I've gotten smart on. I can sit down and do it. How? Well, I point to a toy an tell my son to either bring it to mommy or put it ___. This works. And I am teaching my kid to pick up after himself. This also works for bits of trash that somehow end up on my floor. He even brings trash to me now without me having to ask. It's rather nice. I recommend it.

My husband does do dishes sometimes. I also need help with some of the harder things. Like scrubbing the shower/bath. It's too awkward for me to get in there and do it. I also scrub the plates under the elements of the stove out once a month and lift the lid of the stove and do the same under there. I sometimes need his help if there is a particularly pesky spot that will not come up. Also, he has to move the microwave.

Comforting my child. This is my most difficult task. For while I have finally managed to be able to pick him up (just in about the past month or two), I can't hold him long at all. If I can lean in a corner or something, it's easier because I don't have to focus so much on my balance. Even then I can get 2-3 minutes. So when he is sick and wants to be held and walked around, I can't do it. I have to try to find another way to comfort him until his daddy comes home. This, of course, kills me. I was having problems when he was born so I was never really able to walk him like he wanted for comfort. Even then it was get from here to there and sit.

Playing with him. If we go to the park, it has to be with someone else. Even then, my options are limited to sit and watch. I can't get out there and play with him. The ground is very uneven. Plus, the areas under the slides and such are mulch. So the mush in and give. This is an accident waiting to happen for me. My circulation isn't as good as it should be. So sitting on the floor to long hurts. My legs fall asleep fast and take forever to 'wake up'. And there is serious pain during this process. I try. We watch more tv than I would really like. But he can sit in my lap, I can rest and we can cuddle and be happy. The bright side is we have no cable. I rent DVDs and I have some we bought him. So I have 100% control over what he sees.

I can't drive right now. I know how. I used to love to drive. I just can't right now. Lack of sight in my left eye and poor control in my right hand and foot may have something to do with it. I do still have a valid liscence. No one ever told me not to drive. I just decided this was common sense. So if there is an emergency, my options are:

1) Call the hubby to come home from work and bring Gabriel to the doctor. This is like pulling teeth. It is my last resort because it is the most difficult. My husband works for Domino's Pizza. They are not family friendly. My husband was a store manager when I was in the hospital for surgery. I was in the hospital for a month. An hour and a half away from everyone. My husband was only able to come 2-3 times a week b/c of work. When he was there, his boss kept calling him wondering why he wasn't at the store. In the end they demoted him for not being at the store enough. He worked 50-70+ hours a week and once went over 3 weeks w/o a day off. We need money and insurance. I hate Domino's.

2) Call a friend and see if anyone is free. I keep an extra car seat at our house. This is a hard one, as well since everyone I know with a car works a 9-5.

3) Call an ambulance. I will if I have to. I'm not to fond of this option because of cost, but my baby's safety and health are #1.

These are just a few things. My role and challenges as a mother are no different than anyone else's because of my circumstances. Just more challenging.

My toddler whine and sometimes, so do I.

Imagine waking up every morning and all your muscles are tight. Your joints are aching. Your head is foggy. Now, I spend my day chasing after an energy sucking force the Energizer Bunny couldn't even hope to compete with. Most days I do it without whining. I do start to break down. I do whine. Everyone disappears. Except my husband and son of course. My husband holds me and assures me it will all be okay. Which really inwardly aggravates me more because it will most certainly not be okay...not right now at least. My son just keeps it simple. A hug and kiss from him. It works, though. It helps lift the rain just a little bit.

I'm not looking for solutions. I just have a ton of emotions going on and sometimes I need to let out the bad. I just feel like my friends are slowly disappearing. Everyone has their own life...I understand. I still need someone to talk to. I love my husband but I need contact aside from the two boys in my life.

Breaking down

Everyone tells me how strong I am. They don't know how I do it. So if everyone acknowledges how hard it is, why do they seem so surprised when I start to break down?

I love to work. Right now I can't. I have never been the type to just sit around at home. Since I've been home, I only get out to do necessary house supplies shopping (Gabe's clothes, groceries, etc...) and family holidays. I did get to go visit my mom for a few weeks back in August. I loved it. We went out every couple of days. Just to go on walks, go to the library, go to thrift stores. I'm not asking to go rock climbing or anything. The simple things I did at my mom's made life a lot better. She lives across the country. So this had to end.

So I'm stuck inside with a toddler by myself all day just about every day. Taking him out on my own isn't really safe for us. I go a bit crazy after a while. Also, I believe I mentioned how much I hate chaos? I love my son. More than anything. The chaos of a toddler I can take. It's when my husband and I are arguing, the cat chooses to have diahrea everywhere except her litter box, my clean jeans that I put on 20 minutes ago are covered in cat poop, my son is covered in cat poop and he is screaming bloody murder while I am trying to fix things. Yes, I am crying. My life is a huge chaotic mess right now. Little things keep getting thrown in and eventually the little things add up. So please, stop telling me to calm down. Stop telling me I am being over emotional. Stop telling me that being upset over these little things is silly. Because I promise, when you are upset over something most would deem "stupid", I am going to be there to understand and listen. I just need to cry sometimes. My whole life has been shaken around like a big snow globe. I'm going to break eventually.

Having a toddler is not fun when they have more coordination than you

Yup. You read it right. There are times my 20 month old has more coordination than me...and I am 24. Comes with the territory of having some nice doctors molest your brain for ten hours.

First off, my balance sucks. I have to brace myself to look up as in tilt my head back. I can't look up while I am walking as in look ahead. Always down. My apartment complex needs to keep better grounds. I can carry my son about a whole 3 very careful steps. That is a big improvement and just happened in the last month. I trip very easily. I can't handle looking around while moving. I have to stop and brace myself. I am working on this in physical therapy.

My hand-eye coordination sucks. Can we start with the fact that I have limited control and feeling in my right hand? Considering when I first woke up control and feeling were 100% non-existent, I am fine with just limited for now. It's like my skin is stretched really, really tight and my muscles are all wound up.

Simple things take a lot of effort from me. I can only do about 5-10 minute cleaning spurts. Imagine how well that works with a toddler. I can really take him outside much because uneven ground = death wish for me. Or at least another hospital visit for me. You will excuse me if I feel that between having a baby and all the in and out of the hospital while they were trying to figure out what was wrong plus the actual surgery and recovery stay I have covered my hospital quota. The only time I want to see the inside of a hospital again is to bring home a baby. I would prefer mine.

The worst thing is I get winded. Like, we were winding down Christmas night. There were toys and trash everywhere. I picked up most of it and afterward, you'd think I had run a mile. My husband finished picking up the rest. He would have helped from the beginning, but I started while he was in the shower.

Oh yeah, holidays are not fun for me. Too much noise & chaos. I like calm and control. After this last year I really like feeling like I have control over my life. Of course, this is a delusion. I do get confused a bit easily sometimes now. Now like, crazy old confused lady. My brain just catches a little lag now and then.

People will judge you

And while I know it shouldn't matter what people think, it still makes me cry sometimes. First of all, as I said in my last post, my left eye is sewn shut for now. I am already so self-concious over this. Really, very much so. Add it to the fact that I move with the combined grace of a toddler and old lady... People will stop and stare. Someone has walked past the end of a grocery isle and backed up to stare at me before. I took my son to the zoo with my husband. I was sitting while they were playing and I saw someone tap her friend and point to me. Whispers and accusing stares then happened. My favorite was when a little girl (maybe 4) pointed and asked me what happened. I do not mind the innocent curiosity of children. It was when her mom grabbed her hand and pulled her away saying that "That woman has made some poor life choices." I was so floored and she got away before I could correct her.

Also, as you can well imagine, having a 10 hour brain surgery with follow-ups to specialists and weekly therapy visits will rack up some very lovely bills. Medicaid covered my surgery and one month hospital stay. That was about $500,000 I did not have to worry about. Then my insurance started covering stuff. They would have nothing to do with the surgery which is how I ended up with Medicaid. While I am happy my insurance is finally doing what I pay them to do, I am learning about the fun world of out of pocket maximums and what-not. Now, I willnot say exactly how much we owe. I feel that is very inapropriate. I will say that it's not that bad. I mean, it won't be paid off in the next few months short of a miracle...but within the next year is a definate possibility.

So my husband and I have very stressful lives as you can imagine. We went on a date for the first time in 5 months Tuesday night. We needed it. Our marriage needed it. We have been given some money for Christmas. We are ever so grateful. While we have spent some responsibly, we have spent some for ourselves. I also cloth diaper our son. His skin demands it and it is more economical. I have very basic flat diapers. I wanted to invest in a few that would be easier to wrangle onto a distracted, active toddler. I got a few.

I see nothing wrong with this. If you do, you try going months with every penny you earn going towards the basic necessities and bills. It will break you at some point.

So people judge me in many ways. Moms don't talk to me at playgrounds or anywhere for that matter. While I try not to let it bother me too much, I do hurt sometimes. Because I am still a person. Because my son gets deprived of playmates.

I frequently have fights with inanimate objects...

...and lose. Oh sure. I have a few wins. But they are few and far between.

I feel as if I should enter an explanation here. Let me put it real simple. The doctor pokes around in your brain. Cuts stuff out. Messes with things. My brain personally did not like the intrusion. It retaliated. It retaliated ten fold. I have some nerve damage. The tumor was on the left. The left side of my face had partial paralysis. It's pretty much gone now. Still a bit numb, though. My left eye got messed up somehow. It got a nasty scratch across the cornea that would not heal. I still think one of the previously mentioned ICU nurses got a quiet revenge. Well, a nerve was messed up there too. So the absolutely wonderful opthamologist sewed it closed so it would heal and I could keep it. It healed. He still has it shut. I'm getting a second opinion as soon as I see my ENT on the 6th and he gives me a rec. I like my ENT. Not so happy with the opthamologist.

But wait! There's more. Once you get past the facial fun, my left side is all peachy keen. My right side has decided to pick up where my left side has apparently slacked off. I have poor balance. I am very week in my right side. Imagine a toddler just learning to walk. As for my hand...my 20 month old has better dexterity than I do.

So what brought up the entry? I somehow ended up wrapping presents on my own. Not normally a big deal. Normally is the key word here, people. I can't remember the last time my life was normal. We did shopping on a budget this year. I truly hope my family understands. We got a couple of hand held video games for my two nieces that I aquired on sale months ago. It's a Tinkerbell thing. For my little BIL, we are gifting down out Nintendo DS with 3 games. We never play and he wants one. For my husband's godson, a pair of walkie talkies that we also aquired on sale months ago. For my SIL. Something I ran across. She reads my FB with I have put a link to here. I don't think anyone really reads, but...

My son got a play kitchen and shopping cart. Since my husband is working a ton, then we are leaving tomorrow to go down to the IL's, we put his kitchen together Tuesday night. 3.5 hours. Got it on sale for $35. Next year I'll pay more, have less to assemble...I hope.

Again, tonight's entry. Did I mention this surgery has main me more scatter brained and forgetful than I already was? Seriously...I barely remember this morning and you are asking me about last year?

But tonight's entry. I was wrapping presents. I used a gift bag for my Secret Santa. I wrapped the rest. I fought hard and valiantly. I won a couple of battles. Unfortunately, I lost the war. A few people are getting gifts with very interesting wrapping jobs this year. Hey, it's what is inside the paper that counts...right?