You become a child again

I am trying to make this post without whining. I have been whining far too much in this blog and I fully intend to stop.

When you go through something like I have, something that alters your reality and abilities, you become a child again in the eyes of others. What I mean is decisions are made for you. I have an idea of what my toddler feels like. I want to do things myself. There are things I still struggle with and things I am very capable of doing.

When your toddler is doing something that you think they may find a bit difficult, you tend to step in and do it for them if they ask or not. Yeah. I stopped stepping in unless I see him getting frustrated or he asks. Sometimes it takes your toddler longer than it would you. But letting them figure out is an important part of developing motor and problem solving skills.

Same goes for me right now. I have had to re-learn a lot of things. How to brush my hair, ties my shoes, change diapers, cook... a lot of things. Some things I have had to find a new way of doing. Humans are adaptable. This is what makes us survivors. I don't have to find different ways of doing things because of my disability; I do things in spite off it. Okay, I do have to find different ways because of it, but you get my point. I can even show people a more simple way of doing things. I have had to simplify things in my life. Lesson? Stop doing everything for me and maybe we will both learn something.

And we have also re-visited the teenage years. You know? The one where it is decided if you will be okay to go somewhere or do something for you? Or whether or not it can be afforded for you? I hated these years the first time around. I really freaking despise them now. I have held down a full time job while maintaining a marriage, keeping a home and raising a child. I don't have a full time job anymore, but the others have gotten much more difficult. You could imagine the kind of strain this all puts on a marriage. I'll post that another time. My sex life will not be involved or open for question.

I get up between 6-7 am every day. Give or take 45 minutes. It all depends on the smallest being in the house, of course. My husband is always home for breakfast because the earliest his job will ever require he go in is ten. So because he loves me and is made of win, he makes breakfast every day. It's edible and usually pretty darn tasty, too! From then my day goes one of two ways:

Scenario one: My husband of win works from 10-7. Which means he is gone from 9:30-8. So he makes breakfast and leaves at 9:30. So I am chasing after a toddler and trying to get my house cleaned up. I mostly focus on our front room (living/dining) and kitchen. Trust me, this is enough. In the winter I only need to vacuum once a day. Spring, summer and some days in fall I need to vacuum 2,3,4+ times a day for allergies. I need a better vacuum and this exhausts me. I do 2 loads of dishes a day (I do not believe in using paper products for convenience). I handle 2-3 snack times, lunch and dinner. I try to make our meals as balanced as possible. When I slack on this, my husband and I lose precious energy and my toddler gets cranky. I bath and bed time. I collapse on the couch or in my papasan chair (which the husband of win bought me as a present this year) and ache. Sometimes I spend my evenings on www.diaperswappers.com . I highly recommend this site to anyone interested in cloth diapering. Most of the time the ladies on this board are very, very helpful. I read. I watch Hulu. I am currently revisiting a favorite series from my childhood called Major Dad. I am also learning how to knit. Scarves are evil.

Scenario two: My husband closes. He works 5pm-11 or 12 depending on the night. Which means he is gone from 4:14 -12 or 1. These days are easier and harder at the same time. My husband is here to help so we get things like the bathroom done. The trash gets taken out. We run errands. Running around for errands is sometimes more exhausting than my day in scenario one. The rest of the day is similar to above. I just get a little help so my body is not crying "STRIKE!" at the end of the day.

Scenario three: It happens once a week and it's my favorite. My husband's day off. We do our grocery shopping on this day. We try to take Gabe outside. Poor baby needs it. I need it. Scenario one is still the base formation for our day.

Now in all of this, I squeeze in one physical therapy appointment a week; random slews of doctors appointments ranging from 15 minutes to 1.5 hours away and 30 minutes to 3 hours in length; visits to the in-laws who live 3 hours away or friends who live over an hour away.

I manage all of this even if I have a headache. After this past year migraine has a new definition for me. I can deal with most headaches and my cabinets always have a couple of bottles of different types of headache relievers in it. I pop a pill or two and go. I deal with the aches. I will push myself until I physically can not move anymore. Why? Because I have standards for my home. I refuse to let this thing mess up my life more than it already has or more than I absolutely have to.

As for deciding if I can afford it or not? If all we did with our money was pay doctors and bills, we'd really be depressed. I can't always go. I can't always say the money would be better used for fun. But I do wish people would leave it up to me to decide if the individual circumstance is one worth my money or not.